The Michael Vick Factor

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The Michael Vick Factor is a phrase I use to describe the inherent dichotomy that typically exists between truly exceptional athletes and their intelligence.

" i r smart!"

I actually really enjoy watching Michael Vick play football. I think he’s a singular talent out there when he’s healthy. When he played for the Atlanta Falcons, I had the chance to speak with one of his teammate’s dad’s. The other player (name withheld on purpose) said that Vick was the fastest player he had ever seen. No one on the team, or in the league, could even come close to his speed and lateral movement ability. They also said that if he had 10 years of chalk talk and study of the Falcons playbook, he would never, ever, ever get it.

I mean really, when you think about it, is it some sort of cosmic balance that comes into play to offset athletic ability with limited intelligence? Who knows…But I will submit to you that it seems there is sufficient evidence to test this hypothesis…

To test the Michael Vick Factor, let’s review the following athlete’s who are so stupid, that, as George Carlin once said: “And now for a group of individuals who deserves to be tied to a chair and beaten with hammers.”

1.) Sam Hurd

Looking Smart!

This mental giant who is a 6-yr NFL veteran is currently on the following financial contract. “Hurd signed a three-year deal on July 30 that included a signing bonus of $1.3 million and will pay him base salaries of $685,000 in 2011, $865,000 in 2012, and $1 million in 2013.”

Yep…I can see how you’d need to try and sell drugs to make ends meet. Per an ESPN article Hurd was busted trying to buy drugs from an undercover FBI agent at a Chicago Steakhouse. ‘At that meeting, Hurd told the informant that he wanted to buy “five to 10 kilograms of cocaine and 1,000 pounds of marijuana per week for distribution in the Chicago area,” according to the complaint.’ Imbecile.

2.) O.J. Simpson

I'm getting out of this one too, right?

Regardless of whether or not you bought into the “If the glove doesn’t fit, you must aquit!” defense, this amazing idiot tried to publish a book titled O. J. Simpson: If I Did It, Here’s How It Happened, or some such drivel, which was a hypothetical walk-through of the murders from his perspective. He later was arrested for kidnapping and robbery in Las Vegas and is serving a 33-yr prison sentence. Moron.

3.) Najeh Davenport

It was an emergency!

This was actually just funny so I decided to add it…Before entering the NFL draft this mensa wannabe broke into a coed’s dorm room and defecated in her laundry basket. Haha! He got nailed for burglary and criminal mischief. Was there no bano in the room? Who knows. But his quote is comic gold as Davenport maintained his innocence — “Where’s the evidence? Where’s the manure? I know I didn’t do it — I just wanted to get it over with.” Turd.

4.) Tonya Harding

Yikes.

This brilliant beauty decided to have her top competition “iced” so she could win the figure skating championship in 1994. She got busted when her ex-husband admitted that she conspired with him to break Nancy Kerrigan’s right leg so she would win the competition. By the way, the hitman missed the knee and just bruised her right thigh. Then it all got busted up. Wow. Guess she should have worked something out with the old boy after she kicked him out of the sack. And yes, Everlast on her shirt as in, I’m a 40+ yr old female boxer. Stupid Crack Ho’.

5.) Mike Tyson

Gimme that ear, Evander!

For being convicted of rape, earning and losing all of $300 million, buying a tiger, tattooing his face (he’s not even maori), and biting someone’s ear off. This tongue-tied titan make’s the list. I will say that Big Mike did make a bit of a comeback by being smart enough to land a part in that comedy classic. The Hangover. Goon.

Be Smarter.

Cheers!

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Movies Men Don’t Want to Watch

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Doing Manly Things

Why do men hate chick flicks? I think it’s probably best summarized by the infamous Jack Nicholson line in “As Good As It Gets”. If you recall, his character was a mega-chauvinistic, over the top OCD author.

“How do you write women so well? I think of a man and I take away reason and accountability.”

Boom.

I’m sure I just lost some of my readership there, but I think we can all relate…You’re watching a chick flick under duress, and the story line is so far-fetched that you’re just amazed it actually became a marketable idea.

I think the worst I’ve ever seen was a movie called “Where the Heart Is”.

Just Turrible.

This was evidently an Oprah Book Club nugget that made it to the theater, and yours truly got roped into paying for two tickets to watch this train wreck. This is the story of a girl who has a baby…In a Wal-Mart…After her baby-daddy abandons her there…She lives in the Wal-Mart for a few months before the baby is born…Then the baby is named Americus…Did I mention her last name is Nation? So the baby’s name is Americus Nation. That’s just awful. Luckily for me, the AC in the theater went out about an hour into the movie, so I was able to raise enough hell to get out of the theater without having to finish it. So bad. And yes, this was a long time ago…

The reason I felt inspired to talk about this topic is because the Wife brought home a movie to watch called “Snow Flower and the Secret Fan”. Yes it’s Chinese, and yes it’s in subtitles. And yes it’s about binding feet. And yes I’m sure it’s heartwarming and touching and life changing. But it is Men’s Kryptonite. Period. Luckily the wife fell asleep 15 minutes in, so the animals and I got to get out of the pain. Short Stack was actually so angry he walked up and bit me on the ankle. Now it may be that it was because his food bowl wasn’t completely full, but it could have also been that the Chinese subtitles were pissing him off. Either way, he’s angry. Beulah got so anxious with the foot binding that she starting gnawing on her paws.

Here’s a chick flick primer for you.

93.7% of the time, if the title contains the following words, it’s going to be painful for the Men.

Heart, Valentine, Paris, Love, French, Sleepless, Innocence, Beauty, Confessions, French, Shopaholic, Dresses, Bride, Beaches, Attraction, Dancing, Twilight, Little, Prairie, and French.

This is not an all-inclusive list, but I think the above words will pretty much guarantee you two hours of boredom.

Note: Some titles have offsetting words that may lull you in, but don’t be fooled. Dirty Dancing is really just dancing. The only redeeming quality of that movie (dancing related spinoff) is this SNL masterpiece from Swayze and Farley:

Thank you for the laughs Chris Farley. In the meantime, you men stay strong. Fight the good fight. Watch man movies. And for the record, this is the only instance where we will see two men dancing in Man Time.

Best Christmas Characters Poll

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I think it’s appropriate that we take a poll of our favorite Christmas Movie or TV characters. Please vote wisely.

Keep the change ya filthy animal!

Whoville?

Eddie, if I had woken up with my face sewn to the carpet this morning, I couldn't have been any more surprised to see you.

Bah! Humbug!

That there, Clark, is an RV. But don't you get too attached cuz we're taking it with us when we leave next month.

FUDGE

Too obscure?

Enjoy.

The Woodshed

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Thanks for stopping by my first post. As far as the content you can expect, the Out Behind the Woodshed team will do its best to keep it interesting, and plans to touch on a number of topics. Mostly what I feel about talking about at that particular time. And make no mistake, this will potentially be about absolutely nothing beyond some inspired rantings by a guy whose best hair days are long behind him.

However, the beauty of being Out Behind the Woodshed, is that what happens behind the woodshed, stays behind the woodshed. At least most of the time.

Our first order of business will be to introduce you to one of the Woodshed’s mascots. The magnificent bullhound, Beulah. “The Boo” will probably be a frequent guest poster.

Hi....

One of the mascots, you ask? Well, there is more than one mascot, but I felt like I needed to go with the most photogenic for our first entry. Thank you for the pose.

Blossom, our Catahoula, is what they refer to as an acquired taste. More on “Ole Crazy Eyes” later.

Like my fancy pants?

And our last mascot, the one one with the biggest identity crisis, is Short Stack. Adopted at 4 weeks, he never made the connection that he’s actually not a dog. He’s now about 17 lbs of “I won’t even think about burying that Saint Bernard sized cat turd” in his litterbox.

Go ahead. I dare you to touch my stomach. Seriously. Double. Dog. Dare. You.

Don’t worry, I’m not some strange animal nut, but we do have some pretty interesting conversations with these guys, and if they had thumbs they’d be pretty formidable.

And speaking of formidable, you should see my friend’s blog — beerbecue.wordpress.com — he’s got some great reviews on beer, some porktastic recipes, and slightly irreverent humor for your online enjoyment.

I also plan to document some of my experiments outside on the grill; so if this:

9.5 lbs of certified black angus brisket goodness...

or this:

Low and slow baby!

cooked on this:

Smokin'!

is in your wheelhouse, then I think we’ll get along just fine.

Cheers!

Bye...