Doing Manly Things

Why do men hate chick flicks? I think it’s probably best summarized by the infamous Jack Nicholson line in “As Good As It Gets”. If you recall, his character was a mega-chauvinistic, over the top OCD author.

“How do you write women so well? I think of a man and I take away reason and accountability.”

Boom.

I’m sure I just lost some of my readership there, but I think we can all relate…You’re watching a chick flick under duress, and the story line is so far-fetched that you’re just amazed it actually became a marketable idea.

I think the worst I’ve ever seen was a movie called “Where the Heart Is”.

Just Turrible.

This was evidently an Oprah Book Club nugget that made it to the theater, and yours truly got roped into paying for two tickets to watch this train wreck. This is the story of a girl who has a baby…In a Wal-Mart…After her baby-daddy abandons her there…She lives in the Wal-Mart for a few months before the baby is born…Then the baby is named Americus…Did I mention her last name is Nation? So the baby’s name is Americus Nation. That’s just awful. Luckily for me, the AC in the theater went out about an hour into the movie, so I was able to raise enough hell to get out of the theater without having to finish it. So bad. And yes, this was a long time ago…

The reason I felt inspired to talk about this topic is because the Wife brought home a movie to watch called “Snow Flower and the Secret Fan”. Yes it’s Chinese, and yes it’s in subtitles. And yes it’s about binding feet. And yes I’m sure it’s heartwarming and touching and life changing. But it is Men’s Kryptonite. Period. Luckily the wife fell asleep 15 minutes in, so the animals and I got to get out of the pain. Short Stack was actually so angry he walked up and bit me on the ankle. Now it may be that it was because his food bowl wasn’t completely full, but it could have also been that the Chinese subtitles were pissing him off. Either way, he’s angry. Beulah got so anxious with the foot binding that she starting gnawing on her paws.

Here’s a chick flick primer for you.

93.7% of the time, if the title contains the following words, it’s going to be painful for the Men.

Heart, Valentine, Paris, Love, French, Sleepless, Innocence, Beauty, Confessions, French, Shopaholic, Dresses, Bride, Beaches, Attraction, Dancing, Twilight, Little, Prairie, and French.

This is not an all-inclusive list, but I think the above words will pretty much guarantee you two hours of boredom.

Note: Some titles have offsetting words that may lull you in, but don’t be fooled. Dirty Dancing is really just dancing. The only redeeming quality of that movie (dancing related spinoff) is this SNL masterpiece from Swayze and Farley:

Thank you for the laughs Chris Farley. In the meantime, you men stay strong. Fight the good fight. Watch man movies. And for the record, this is the only instance where we will see two men dancing in Man Time.